Respect Is The Key

Respect:

"politeness, honour and care shown towards someone that is considered important" and "a feeling that something is right or important and you should not change it or harm it" (source: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/de/worterbuch/englisch/respect).

Politeness, honour, care. Something you should not change or harm.

You know, all people just want respect. They want to be shown that they have a worth intrinsically and that they can live their lifes without a threat. Do not harm it. 

I am a great believer of human dignity. It is written in our (german) constitution and it is one of two laws that NO ONE can change. The dignity of humans is untouchable. This is our basic law, this is one of the most important fundamental rights.  No one can steal your dignity, no state is allowed to treat you without dignity. Without respect. It is also written in the European Union's Charta Of Fundamental Rights. It is the very first Article: "Human dignity is inviolable. It must be respected and protected." (source:  https://fra.europa.eu/en/eu-charter/article/1-human-dignity).

But what exactly is this small but very big word: Dignity?

Well, I am lazy and this is no scientific thesis, so I use wikipedia to explain (To all my professors at university: I am sorry. But wikipedia isn't THAT bad, you know?). "Dignity is the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically. It is of significance in morality, ethics, law and politics as an extension of the Enlightenment-era concept of inherent, inalienable rights." (source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dignity).  

Hell yeah, love me some philosophy!

Dignity is the right of a person - ANY person, no matter what - to be respected, to be valued, to be treated ethically. It is the right to live your life - of course without hurting others - and be allowed to do so without losing your value in life. It is the most important law humankind created because it is a moral code that should keep us from hurting each other.

It should. Because sadly, reality looks different. Sadly, society treats everything that doesn't fit the norm very disrespectful. Here I mean society as a concept and as a force. I don't mean every single person interacting in society. There are enough people respecting and loving each other and supporting everyone and I am grateful for that. However, foreign, strange things are seen as a threat to society. This is most of all human behaviour in order to shield society from any threats. But healthy prejudices should include learning and accepting foreign things as soon as they don't mean any threat to anyone. 

In my experience, many people get stuck with the prejudice but don't learn to do the next step: the accepting anything that is not a threat. They can't go out of their mind, they can't grow out of their fear and hate and that is deadly for many people.

The key to a better society is respect. We all know that but still it doesn't work.

So here is a guide on how you can show nonbinary people that you respect them and that you don't perceive them as a threat, because - newsflash - we are not. At least not more or less a threat as other people. Like, there are assholes that are male, there are assholes that are female, there are assholes that are nonbinary... (Yeah I know, statistically, men do the most harm on earth but that is a whole other discussion here, about toxic masculinity, patriarchy and stereotypes...)

Nonbinary people deserve respect and dignity, because they are people. 

It should be easy as that. 

If you struggle on how to interact with nonbinary people, just follow those basic rules:

- Use their chosen name.

If you know their dead name, meaning the name they were given at birth and they don't identify with, don't use it and don't tell anyone. It is dead. The name does not exist anymore, even if the legal documents are not changed. The suicide rate of trans* and nonbianry people is lower the more the chosen names are used. Maybe you will understand if you imagine it like everyone is always, everyday, calling you "John", but your name is "Caroline" and nobody seems to care. How would you feel? Pretty invisible and disrespected, right? It is part of the dignity of humans to be called like they want to be called. It can be hard to unlearn the dead name, I know. And it is not your fault that this takes time. But if you sometimes struggle and call them by their dead name by mistake, please consider not making a big fuzz out of it. Don't apologize for hours and say how bad you feel. Don't make them drag your emotional guilt too. Just correct yourself immediatly, or thank them when they correct you. The problem with all the apologizing is, that you mean it well but nonbinary people feel forced to comfort you and tell you that it's alright even if they feel very vulnerable and hurt themselves. You are making it about you, if you want it or not, and it is real emotional labour for nonbinary and trans* people to solace you. Calling someone by their dead name happens, especially when you knew them for years with this name. But nonbinary people usually know that. If they get angry when you use the name incorrectly, please try to not take it personal. Just imagine them being called wrong all the time and your tiny mistake is the last droplet that brings the water to overflow and you get all the waterfall now. It is nothing against you, it is just to much to handle for them in that moment. Try to stay calm, maybe try to calm them down and try using the chosen name, their real name. 

- Use their pronouns.

This is something that will always be discussed. In social media many people act truly hateful when it comes to adjust and use pronouns they are not used to. They keep saying it is gramatically incorrect (they/them) or the words are just made up. Ok, first of all: ALL words are made up and language evolves. And it not only evolves slowly, without humans actively changing it. It was never that way. Also, language constitutes reality, and sometimes vice versa, and that is totally fine. Language is - thankfully - not a static wall. It is a river, and sometimes humans straighten rivers to keep them from hurting people by overflowing. (Ouff, very ironice metaphor. Right now, in Germany, there is flooding and at least 80 people died. I hope, my fellow germans, you are safe. Stay strong.) I know that many nonbinary people in the english speaking places use they/them pronouns. Those are pretty simple to use and - though many people disagree - "they" was used since centuries for talking about an unknown singular person. And I think, even if it wouldn't have that history it would still be valid! They/them is used like: "They have a car. I saw them driving. Is that their coat?" when talking about the nonbinary person. When talking TO the nonbinary person, just use you. People sometimes think we want to use they/them instead of you, but that is not how it works. You use they/them as any other third person pronouns: When you talk about that person. There are also other pronouns, new pronouns that are called neopronouns. I don't know how exactly they are used because there are many different ones, like xier, fae, sier, xe and so one. If you want to use them right, just ask the person that told you their pronouns how to use them. I found a list here but I am not sure how accurate that is: https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Neopronouns. Neopronouns are also often used in languages that don't have an alternative to he/she/it, like the english they. I for example use iks and they. "They" I use in the english language and it works pretty well because most people know how to use it. There are also german people who use they or dey in the german language. However, I have the experience that it can be pretty difficult for many german speakers. I chose iks for german language. It can be used like this: "Iks fährt Auto, Ich habe iks fahren sehen. Ist das ikses coat?" I sadly don't know if iks is also used in english and how it would be used. Best with neopronouns is, to ask the nonbinary person how those work and to educate yourself on the internet. Every nonbinary person uses different pronouns. Not every nonbinary person uses they. Some even use he/him, she/her or he/she. Some use it/its. I would be very careful of the usage of it/its because it often triggers nonbinary people who were hurt by being called nasty stuff, like a thing, an It, something inhumane, you know? Use it/its only if you know exactly that the person in front of you wants this. Also: It is not your point to discuss why they use those pronouns. They found words they feel comfortable with. That is the only important thing. Not your opinion, not how hard it can be to use them... This has something to do with respect and dignity. And like with the chosen name, suicide rates are sinking when you use the right pronouns. People will feel safe around you, and seen and protected, if they know you respect their choices. Just imaging your pronouns are he/him and all people are always talking about you with she/her. It doesn't feel good. It feels insulting, hurtful and unsafe. And just like I said in the paragraph about the name: If you mess up, don't make it about you, don't spiral down in a never ending apology ride. Just correct yourself, thank them for the reminder and learn. 

- Ask questions, but don't overdo it. Educate yourself.

I can not talk for everyone with this one. Well, even with the above I can't talk for everyone, but here you have to be very careful. Some trans* and nonbinary people are very patient and helpful and just love to answer all of your questions, some can't stand the feeling of always having to explain themselves. For you it may be one question you'd ask. For nonbinary or trans* people, it is maybe the thousandth question on this day regarding their gender. It is a lot of mental labour. Don't take it personal if nonbinary people don't want to answer your questions. I for example have the motto: You are allowed to ask everything but don't expect an answer for every question. That excludes purposely provocative questions and questions that are asked to purposely insult me. Also, consider not asking too intimate questions. Many people are burning to know everything about transitioning and operations and often those questions go way too far. Please consider that the person standing in front of you is maybe asked all those questions all the time and it can be very uncomfortable, insulting and annoying, even if you don't mean it that way. And if the person doesn't want to answer anything - respect that. Human dignity goes that far that no one has to share anything with you. 

- Protect them. Create a safe space. 

You don't have to play a superhero but you can create a safe space for nonbinary and trans* people. That can start with showing them with actions and words that you are an ally. If you don't know the term "ally" I mean specifically what the Cambridge dictionary describes as "someone who helps and supports other people who are part of a group that is treated badly or unfairly, although they are not themselves a member of this group" (source: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/de/worterbuch/englisch/ally). (Extra information: There is the rumor that the A in the acronym LGBTIQA stands for Ally. This is not true. The A stands for Asexuality and Aromance. It can also stand for Agender. L is lesbian, G means gay, B means bisexual, T means trans, I means intersex*, Q is queer. There are even more terms: pansexual, demisexual, omnisexual, etc... Just so you heard it once at least :) ) A safe space is a (physical or digital or social) space where people from a minority can be themselves without the fear of being punished for their existence. You can tell them that you are an ally, but acts speak louder than words. Use their name, use their pronouns. When hearing people talking about them with the wrong name or pronouns, correct them. Defend nonbinary or trans* people when you hear transphobia somewhere. If you are a cis gender person (meaning a person who identifies with the gender they were assigned with at birth) you are way safer in fighting transphobia than trans* and nonbinary people. Be an idol to younger people and educate them. Those things seem little to you, maybe, but it can save a life, literally. 

I think those are the basics of helping nonbinary and trans* people feel respected. Just show them that you respect their human dignity and that they are valid. Maybe you become lifetime friends ;) 

I will maybe update this list. If you are nonbinary or trans* and think that something very important is missing, feel free to send me an e-mail via thenonbinaryvoice@gmx.de or leave a comment underneath this text. 

Respect, love and acceptance is the key to a moral and safe society. It is the key for humankind. Have a nice day.