I don't have a good relationship towards my own body which is pretty sad because I am very open towards others but when it comes to myself, I just often loathe it. Needless to say that I may need to add a trigger warning for body shaming here. I am also talking about diverse organs, such as reproductive organs and breasts.

When I grew up I was a very skinny, small kid. Being a driplet maybe supported that kind of body, too. My whole life I was accused of being too thin, being too unhealthy. There where days were people - strangers and no strangers - believed I had a eating disorder. I was sometimes followed into the bathroom because people believed I would purposely throw up there to keep my weight.

I wasn't. I never was anorexic ot bulemic but people constantly made me think how wrong my body was. You could see my rips, my pelvic bones. On the other hand there were people, especially when I hit puberty, that told me, some parts of my body were too fat, like my butt and my breasts. Just imagine the damage people created inside of me: I was too thin and simultaneously too fat. It took me over 20 years to accept my body as it was - and then I started taking antidepressants and had to start over again. The moment I started those meds my body just started getting bigger and bigger until I even had to switch meds in order to not get fat. I know that I am currently in no way fat, and being fat doesn't mean being ugly or unhealthy or not valid. I know all this in my brain, but I hate my body. Imagine getting to peace with how you look and suddenly - bam - you weigh 10-15 kilo more and just can't change it. I had to rebuy my whole closet. I struggled with the never ending rising of my clothing sizes... I believe I am fat, thought I know that what I look like is not fat.

There are days where I think: I don't give a f*ck. I am beautiful. And then there are days - and those days are the majority - where I look in the mirror and see a small but thick human being and I can't see myself.

Since a few years there is also another issue where I can't see myself. My journey of coming to terms with my gender and realising that I am not a woman and that I don't have to try and hide myself in order to be accepted got me to a new problem: I seriously dislike my breasts. It is not that I don't find them beautiful or anything, but they don't fit me. I would gladly give them away to some fellow trans woman who wants to have them. I think it all started with euphoria. I never ever felt dysphoria - in a gendered way - until I truly felt euphoria. You don't have to feel dysphoric in order to be trans or nonbinary by the way. I started wearing new clothes, colorful clothes, clothes with ties and everything and sooner than later I had the courage to start wearing clothes society puts into the men's corner. Sadly, that made me more than aware of my breasts and the euphoria coming with the new style struggled to stay alive everytime I didn't wear them or couldn't wear them because of how my body is shaped.

Many people can't grasp how dysphoria feels. I even believe that many people won't understand the euphoria that floods your body when you wear something you never wear and it makes click in your brain... Dysphoria makes me sick, everytime I can't present myself like I want to. I bind my breasts since a few weeks. Sadly, binders are very expensive, so I only hav two of them. They make my breast look more flat, not perfectly flat, but I like the way my body looks when I wear them. The first time I tried it one I nearly cried and my body was so vibrant with energy and euphoria that it took my breath. I only can wear one binder a day (not more than 6-8 hours because you have to be careful with your health. This is important! Don't overdo it with binders!). So on two days a week I nearly have the body form I feel most comfortable with. All the other days, I am left with slight dysphoria. I don't want my breasts to be noticed anymore. I wear sports bras but they don't create the same effect as binders. So I push my shoulders forward and wear wide shirts to hide them.

It feels like my body is my shame. I am ashamed of my body, and that sucks. I am ashamed of my body because I was conditioned by society to hate everything. I was conditioned and upbrought as a woman and - gosh - society hates women. I hate my body because I was conditioned to hate it.

But my body is not a shame. My body is my house. And while some things are perfectly imperfect, some other things are just unpractical. Like the architect meant it well but I don't like the house with those big, two balconies. Men always think they can play Romeo and Juliet there...

My body is intrinsically nonbinary...

I can't stand the people telling me that I am "biologically female", that I have "female organs", and that my body is a "woman's body". My body - if I hate it or not - is the body of a nonbinary person. My breasts are nonbinary. That doesn't mean that I have to keep them. I don't want them and it should be my right to yeet them. My vagina is nonbinary, my period is nonbinary, my uterus is nonbinary. Nothing on my body is not nonbinary because I am not female, not male. I am nonbinary. And society should not have the upper hand when it comes to the appearance of bodies. Just because many trans and nonbinary people have and will have bodies that don't fit the normative ways of society doesn't mean that we should be ashamed of it. No on should be ashamed of being not normative. F*ck that. Not only women have breasts, not only women can menstruate, not only women can get pregnant. When you say: "Women get pregnant" you mean cis women. You forget trans* men and nonbinary people. Same the other way around; when you say: "Men have penisses.", you mean cis men. You forget trans* women and nonbinary people. We have to learn to include all people.

My body, my shame?

My body, my pride. I have to learn that in so many ways, but especially in my nonbinary way. I can look however the hell I want - nothing can invalidate my existence as a nonbinary person. Nothing can steal my human dignity. Not even laws that go against human dignity - looking at you, Germany, with your f*cked up TSG. Get that right!

However you present, however you decorate and change the home we call body: You are valid, you are beautiful and you are awesome.

I am valid and beautiful and awesome, too. I just need to learn to accept that and unlearn some toxic traits.

My body, my pride.

My body, my pride.

My body, my pride.